One new dad was so excited to become a father that he asked users for their best dad jokes, and the internet delivered!
“We recently welcomed our baby girl into the world, and I cannot describe how proud I am of this little bug. We haven’t known each other for very long, but every day I’m working on being the best father I can be for her,” the user shared.
A kid’s hand in his father’s | Source: Pexels
The man said that while his daughter couldn’t talk, he had about 13 years until she would be able to roll her eyes at his annoying jokes. So, he needed to come prepared. “I want to be ready to embarrass her in front of any waitress, boyfriend, or teacher.”
Here are some of the top dad jokes that were shared:
Father carrying his son on his shoulders | Source: Pexels
Every time my dad opens a fortune cookie, he gets a distressed look on his face and says, “It says ‘Help! I’m being held captive in a fortune cookie factory!’ We have to help this person!” None of my siblings or I have ever fallen for it, but he’s been doing it for at least 30 years. Now he’s got grandkids to try it on, and I’m sure they won’t fall for it either.
Opening a fortune cookie | Source: Pexels
Dad at breakfast: “I’ll have bacon and eggs, please.”
Waiter: “How do you like your eggs?”
Dad: “I don’t know, I haven’t gotten them yet!”
Eggs and bacon | Source: Pexels
Dad: “Do your socks have holes in them?”
Dad: “Then how’d you get your feet in them?”
Socks with flowers | Source: Pexels
“Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.” My Dad always told it passing a graveyard.
A lone cross | Source: Pexels
Dad, putting the car in reverse: “Ahh, this takes me back.”
An old school car | Source: Pexels
Three guys walked into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
A lit bar | Source: Pexels
Not a joke in the traditional sense, but when I’m at a restaurant and the waitress says, “Do you wanna box for that?” I always reply with, “No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.” No one ever gets it, but it makes me laugh. And that’s the point, right?
Wrestling in a restaurant | Source: Midjourney
“Anyone can get buried when they die; if you want to be cremated, you have to urn it.”
An ornate urn | Source: Pexels
“You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it.”
A baby elephant sitting in a tree | Source: Midjourney
Dad: “Did you know that the people living nearby actually can’t be buried in that cemetery?”
Dad: “Because they’re not dead yet.”
A sunlit cemetery | Source: Pexels
“Someone broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants. I hope they’re happy.”
Blue and white pills | Source: Pexels
At the park with my girls: “Dad, can we go play?”
Me: “Sure, just stay away from those trees over there.”
Girls: “Umm… okay, why?”
Me: “I don’t know… they look a little shady to me.”
Trees in the shade | Source: Midjourney
“I haven’t been to the gym in so long I’ve gone back to calling it James.”
Man running in a gym | Source: Pexels
“What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? ‘Dam!'”
A fish in the wall | Source: Midjourney
My dad once sat me down and told me that while my mother was on holiday, he’d been having an affair. Deadly serious, he tells me it’s not worth it because when it was happening, one time she told him to come over because nobody was home. And he went and knocked, but got no answer. Because nobody was home.
I was worried for their marriage, and the whole thing was the setup for a joke.
A woman texting on her phone | Source: Pexels
“I’ve been a dad for 26 years, so this is the real deal: I was abducted by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.”
A mime with a phone | Source: Pexels
Dad at lunch: “Do you have anything cheap? Because I’m not that hungry.”
Waiter: “Well, maybe the chicken strips for $6.”
Dad: “Well, maybe it does, but that doesn’t help my hunger.”
A stripping chicken | Source: Midjourney
Wife to husband: “I’m pregnant.”
Husband to wife, trying to be funny: “Hi pregnant, I’m Dad.”
A pregnant woman | Source: Pexels
This one comes from my dad. He was talking to some friends, introducing me.
My Dad: “This is my pride and joy, my only son… I think.”
It’s short, but it really made me laugh.
A man with his son | Source: Pexels
“How do you know when a joke is a Dad joke? When it’s apparent…”
A goofy guy | Source: Pexels
Every time someone says, “If I don’t see you again, have a great weekend,” I respond with, “Well, what kind of weekend should I have if you DO see me again?” It cracks me up every time. Them? Not so much.
Laughing women | Source: Pexels
My students will ask, “Did you get a haircut?”
Me: “Nope, I got them all cut, thank you for noticing.”
Cutting hair | Source: Pexels
“What do you call a wingless fly? A walk.”
A man on a walk | Source: Pexels
The waiter, as we’re just getting done eating: “Are you finished?”
My dad, at Every. Single. Restaurant. Ever: “No, Norwegian.”
A man in a restaurant | Source: Pexels
Dad, reading the paper: “Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?”
Dad: “Well, he’s all right now.”
A right hand | Source: Pexels
As this new father embarks on his journey of parenthood, he’s well-equipped with an arsenal of hilarious dad jokes, ready to elicit giggles and eye rolls from his daughter for years to come. With the help of the internet, he’s already off to a great start in becoming the best dad ever. Here’s to many more laughs and cherished moments ahead!
When this man becomes a father, there’s a great chance he’ll be a grandpa, too! Here are more jokes about grandpas and grandmas.
Let’s face it, grandparents hold a special place in our hearts, with their wisdom, love, and sometimes, their hilariously quirky ways. They remind us that age is nothing but a number and laughter is the best medicine (it’s free, too!).
Here are some delightful stories that highlight the humor and love that comes with living a long and interesting life. Good luck getting through this without laughing!
A group of elders laughing | Source: Midjourney
Without fail, George went for his annual check-up every year. He prided himself on staying fit and healthy by going on walks in the neighborhood, though age had taken its toll on his eyesight.
After his check-up, George sat and chattered with his doctor, proudly telling Dr. Stephens about his latest discovery.
“Doc, I’m blessed,” he said. “God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”
An elderly man at the doctor | Source: Midjourney
The doctor chuckled, but a nagging curiosity led him to call George’s wife later that day.
“Maria,” he said. “Your husband’s test results are just fine. But he said something strange! He claims that God turns the lights on and off for him when he uses the bathroom at night.”
George’s wife laughed out loud.
“That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again! I thought it was the dog!”
An elderly man standing in front of a fridge | Source: Midjourney
Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside of their nursing home, laughing their heads off like giggling girls.
“Now, now, ladies,” a nurse said, walking past them. “You need to get your sunshine time before tea. And behave!”
Her words only set them off again. Soon, they spotted an old man walking by and decided to have a bit of fun with him.
Three laughing old women | Source: Midjourney
“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are,” one of the grandmas yelled out at him.
“There’s no way that you can guess it, you three old fools.”
“Sure we can!” another grandma insisted. “Just drop your…”
Read the rest of this joke and five more here.
This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.